Vladimir Putin: Repercussions if you invade Ukraine
Dear Mr. Putin:
America has a message for you.
* You will be punished if you don’t stop training your troops on your side of your border when we are doing serious, serious, maneuvers with our long, slender, beautiful, phallic nuclear missile launchers on our side of your border. We are s e r i o u s. Serious.
* Why are you making faces at us like we are weird?
* You will be punished for not taking us s e r i o u s l y.
* We have China surrounded and will bang our nuclear subs into their islands again if you don’t stop mocking us.
* We are going to make terrible things happen to you that will starve all Russians which is what we wanted to do in 2014 but our occupational therapist / psychologist, Barrack, refused to let that happen.
America will punish you, Mr. Putin:
- Your wife has agreed to get her hair cut to a mullet and wear crocks to bed, like my Vice President.
- All women in porn videos and glam calendars will wear USA Flag pasties. Your army will suffer.
- Secretary Blinken will stalk all your fling babes, naked, so everyone will notice who he is stalking.
- John Kerry will pour his drinks on heads of state as if there is not enough ice in the drink because of polar melting in Russia.
- We will send male-stripper Jesse Ventura to test Russian wives if they will cheat.
- The CIA will screen shot all your pictures and Photoshop them into bed with a crazy comedian, Volodymyr Zelensky, for example.
Uncle Sam will get YOU!
Author’s note: “Yeah, seriously, the American Patriarch’s political d*ckheads suck. They embargo Africans because they are black; kill Blacks and Browns on the streets; and persecute journos who expose the American patriarch’s crimes. They are breaking all homicide records and thrive in death as a thousand of the beautiful, ordinary Americans die every day from COVID-19 because drinking disinfectant failed to stop the pandemic.
The US patriarch under Joe Biden is a drooling, wimpy-dick collection of geriatric BoJo Clown-like buffoons with little life left who stink up the planet and play penile games with nuclear weapons. The American patriarch that hunts down hundreds of journalists who expose American war crimes must be stopped—thrown in prison by the entire world.—Who on Earth has the guts to stand up to these guttersnipes?”—Melissa Hemingway